Fatherhood and the Public Good

When you think about your father, what do you think about first? Do you think about the moment of your conception or do you think about your relationship with him?

Even though an act nine months before we were born made him our father, fatherhood is about a relationship. And that relationship defines whether he is considered a good father or a bad father. Nobody considers their father any good if there is no relationship at all. But the better the relationship, the better we rate fathers.

A father is the one who loves, nurtures and cares for you, for life. Every single child who ever lived wants that kind of a father. Kids want a father who is involved in their lives, loves their mother, and lives in their house.

Father’s Day recognizes the men who have stepped up to make that ideal a reality. Nobody is perfect. Neither is any father. Every single one of us can look critically at our father and find real and painful failures. And fathers, like me, can find plenty of failures if we’re willing to admit it.

Sometimes the criticism is too harsh, and sometimes it is well-deserved. Either way, what you should notice is that we all agree on the definition of a good father. Each and every one of us has an ideal father in our mind’s eye, and we use it to size up every father that we encounter. By that ideal, we will either criticize or praise the actions of any father.

Sure, there may be differences on the small stuff. Does your ideal father take you fishing or teach you philosophy? But when it comes to the essentials, we are all the same. It’s not like some kids prefer abusive fathers, while others appreciate caring fathers. And no children prefer to live with only one parent, or want to see their parents fighting constantly.

While a great many have needed to cope with divorced parents, nobody wants to. Fact is, every person who has ever been born in the world would like to have the father who conceived her, married to the mother who gave her birth, and living in a loving relationship in a happy home.

Not only is this the preference of everyone who has ever been born, it is also the best predicter of human thriving. More than wealth, more than health, more than social strata, more than level of education, more than any other factor, a stable and loving home is the most important factor in a happy life.

In one of his most passionate and inspiring speeches, President Barak Obama called on the 2013 graduating class of Morehouse College to step up to the plate and make this kind of fatherhood a reality for their own children.

He said, “When fathers are absent—when they abandon their responsibility to their kids—we know the damage that does to our families. Children who grow up without a father are more likely to drop out of school and wind up in prison. They’re more likely to have substance abuse problems, run away from home, and become teenage parents themselves.”

Fathers matter. Obama himself came from a broken home and was raised by his grandmother. He knows firsthand how a son wants his father. And even though he stood before the graduates of Moorehouse college about as successful as a politician can be, still he talks about giving his own daughters what he never had, but always wanted.

Some will say, “Kids are resilient. They can get along without a father.” Thanks be to God, that’s true. Kids can and do overcome grievous losses. But just because someone can overcome a loss does not make it right to take from them what is rightfully theirs.

Kids have a right to be raised by their mother and father. I’m not just making this up. It is so deeply imprinted on the human heart that we know it instinctively. This right isn’t given by government, it comes into existence by the very fact that every human being has one mother and one father before they are able to do anything at all to take care of themselves.

When you came into the world, your mother was there – she had to be. But there was no biological necessity for your father to be there. His care, while every bit as important as the mother’s, comes more from a conscious commitment than from biological ties.

Mothers rarely walk away from their children, but men do, way too often. Motherlessness is not a common problem, but fatherlessness is. That means that men as individuals need to be more conscious of their commitment. We need to understand just how important our presence is to the children that we father.

Father’s Day gives us an opportunity to recognize the immense public good that comes from fathers who create a stable and loving home for the children that they father. It also gives us an occasion to extol the public institution of marriage which provides a much needed cultural incentive for men to take up their responsibilities as fathers.

The government generally does not care about your feelings and your relationships. We don’t ask the courts to recognize our BFF, brotherly love, or dating relationships. Historically, there is only one kind of relationship that we solemnize before a judge. It’s the kind of relationship that brings children into the world. It is important to governments because, even though the government does not create the right of a child to be raised by her mother and father, it is the government’s job to protect that right.

The marriage of one man to one woman for one lifetime was never an arbitrary custom dreamed up by religious zealots. It is an institution found in every culture, every place, and every time because people the world over have understood the social value of men being fathers to their children.

The recent redefinition of marriage by the US Supreme Court is not helping children. It is not teaching our young men the importance of fatherhood. It is not valuing mothers by giving them the full support of our public laws to encourage the father of the baby to help her raise the child.

At some point in the future, people will look back at our generation and wonder how we could have been so blind. In the mean-time what shall we do?  You can start by celebrating Father’s Day. Think about the blessings you have received through your father. Call him, if you can, and thank him.

Doubtless, you can also think on his failures. Don’t let these thoughts consume you and poison your relationship with dad. But do teach other young men to avoid those faults. Tell them how important they can be in someone’s life. Let them know how satisfying and joyful it can be to be a real father.

While the government may have temporary amnesia about the meaning of marriage and fatherhood, it’s up to us to keep the vision alive. Let us all step up to support one another more strongly than ever before. Not only will it make for a stronger community, it also is your best way to help fulfill some child’s deepest desire.

Further Reading: National Review, The Kids Are Not Alright